A year and a half ago, or whenever it was, I started this blog with the intention of posting ramblings that I thought were funny. Instead it turned into something I used to share my serious inner thoughts. Granted I was in a pretty shitty place around that time so comedy wasn't so much on my mind. But I got away from that place later in 2011 - mentally and physically. I moved to Chicago, made an array of new friends...it's been a good time. And yet something was still missing. Something I always knew was missing...but couldn't quite put my finger on it.
I'm not sure if a paragraph break was necessary here. I've done one though.
Its why I've decided to write a new entry. As it has turned out, there were several things missing from my life. Or rather, that I kept inside me. My entire world was turned upside down with epiphanies at the beginning of this past July. At that time I had just been broken up with. Twice. And it hurt. A lot. One of the reasons I was given for the break up was that I just wasn't emotionally invested in the relationship...which caught me off guard at first. "Not emotionally invested?! But I am!" I would do (and still would do) anything for that girl!! At first I thought it was because I tried a different approach with the relationship: keep a guard up for longer than usual. Dive in too quickly and I'll come off like a tool, I thought, as has seemed apparent in past relationships. I'll ease into this one more slowly. What I had never realized was that I wasn't putting a guard up, I was intensifying one that I always had up. I kept a guard up with almost everyone. Since about the time I was in kindergarten, I've closed myself off from others. I talked to my mom recently about all this and she told me that I was a very lively, chatty kid up until I started kindergarten. Then something happened that just shut me down and made me become reserved...something I still can't pinpoint (no...I was never an alter boy or anything like that. Ass). My mom went on to say that she had worked in secret with a school counselor in elementary school to ensure that one of the few kids I had actually become close friends with was always around me so that maybe I'd feel comfortable to come out of my shell again. That information blew me away. I always knew I was more reserved, but never really knew that it was to the degree that it was; that my guard was as intense as it was. Regardless, inside I was Ron Burgundy in a glass case of emotions. A glass case of many of my expressions as well. I was afraid that if I showed these, it would lead to negative judgement, being made fun of, shit like that. So my emotions and most of my expressions never really came out too often. And when the did, I usually vomited them all out at once. But I did want them to come out. I've always felt like an extrovert in an introvert's body. That's why I ended up taking to this blog (and the one before it). It's a controlled, comfortable environment where I have a delete key. But whatever judgement, or making-fun-of-ness, or whatever worst case scenario I had in my mind that may have resulted from me expressing to my friends and family how I feel (say, that I love and appreciate them, or that certain favors/advice etc. they had given me meant/helped more than they probably realized, or that I bawled at the end of Marley and Me) would have probably been much better on me mentally than keeping everything inside. Because the cyborg that I had basically become essentially made it much easier for people to write me off as someone you don't necessarily care to get to know and, thus, resulted in all the shit I was trying to avoid by being closed off to begin with.
So it's been a vicious cycle. I'd always wanted a lot of friends, but I had feared negative reactions and losing them, so I stayed reserved. Because I never really opened up to people and often killed conversations by not adding much to them, I never made too many friends.
So my goal and passion now is to change that; to be open, expressive, and conversational. And so far it has been met with an amazing success. Because another thing I realized is that all the things that I'm afraid to open up to people about are things that people open up to me and to others about all the time. Friends, family, co-workers...a handful of each have pointed out to me that I am different in a very positive way. I've subsequently noticed my relationships with them have become much deeper and more meaningful. It's an amazing feeling to actually open up. I feel more alive. I feel like a new person.
Also, I feel like more of an adult.
I'd been on my way to realizing and piecing together a lot of these things within the past year or so, but the past two months have been like that montage scene in Finding Nemo where Dorie suddenly remembers everything about her and...the dad fish's journey and, consequently, the name and address of the guy who took Nemo (P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney). Similarly, it suddenly became clear why I don't have too many close friends, why it takes so long to get to know me, why my relationships fail, and what's been missing in my life. My best and most used conversation tactic from before was basically to find humor in things. A very immature tactic, even in high school. Humor was a trait I picked up quickly in life, one of the few things I had a decent amount of confidence in, so my end of a conversation was often chalked full of humorous observations, sometimes rude ones, if I was talking to someone I was less comfortable opening up to (that or it had a lot of "yeah" "I agree" type of stuff). I was basically Masuka from Dexter. That sort of immaturity became what people expected of me and in turn became my personality to a degree. I hated it that way. I was a high school kid stuck in a college/young professional's body. There was one episode of Dexter that particularly hit home for me where Masuka got a lot of shit for his off key ways and it really upset him. He decided to completely change how he interacted with everyone. How he felt was exactly how I had felt many times before, except that I think they portrayed his changes negatively and there hasn't been anything negative that has come out of what I've been able to accomplish. By being more open, it cleared my old, immature ways up right quick. Whereas I used to get the vibe that people associated me with off key humor and...I guess always being in agreement, now...well I'm not sure what I'm associated with, but it certainly isn't that.
The past two months have been perhaps the biggest roller coaster ride of my life. I finally have a grasp on what I've been missing in my life and I'm finally....happy and feel like a new person.
