A year and a half ago, or whenever it was, I started this blog with the intention of posting ramblings that I thought were funny. Instead it turned into something I used to share my serious inner thoughts. Granted I was in a pretty shitty place around that time so comedy wasn't so much on my mind. But I got away from that place later in 2011 - mentally and physically. I moved to Chicago, made an array of new friends...it's been a good time. And yet something was still missing. Something I always knew was missing...but couldn't quite put my finger on it.
I'm not sure if a paragraph break was necessary here. I've done one though.
Its why I've decided to write a new entry. As it has turned out, there were several things missing from my life. Or rather, that I kept inside me. My entire world was turned upside down with epiphanies at the beginning of this past July. At that time I had just been broken up with. Twice. And it hurt. A lot. One of the reasons I was given for the break up was that I just wasn't emotionally invested in the relationship...which caught me off guard at first. "Not emotionally invested?! But I am!" I would do (and still would do) anything for that girl!! At first I thought it was because I tried a different approach with the relationship: keep a guard up for longer than usual. Dive in too quickly and I'll come off like a tool, I thought, as has seemed apparent in past relationships. I'll ease into this one more slowly. What I had never realized was that I wasn't putting a guard up, I was intensifying one that I always had up. I kept a guard up with almost everyone. Since about the time I was in kindergarten, I've closed myself off from others. I talked to my mom recently about all this and she told me that I was a very lively, chatty kid up until I started kindergarten. Then something happened that just shut me down and made me become reserved...something I still can't pinpoint (no...I was never an alter boy or anything like that. Ass). My mom went on to say that she had worked in secret with a school counselor in elementary school to ensure that one of the few kids I had actually become close friends with was always around me so that maybe I'd feel comfortable to come out of my shell again. That information blew me away. I always knew I was more reserved, but never really knew that it was to the degree that it was; that my guard was as intense as it was. Regardless, inside I was Ron Burgundy in a glass case of emotions. A glass case of many of my expressions as well. I was afraid that if I showed these, it would lead to negative judgement, being made fun of, shit like that. So my emotions and most of my expressions never really came out too often. And when the did, I usually vomited them all out at once. But I did want them to come out. I've always felt like an extrovert in an introvert's body. That's why I ended up taking to this blog (and the one before it). It's a controlled, comfortable environment where I have a delete key. But whatever judgement, or making-fun-of-ness, or whatever worst case scenario I had in my mind that may have resulted from me expressing to my friends and family how I feel (say, that I love and appreciate them, or that certain favors/advice etc. they had given me meant/helped more than they probably realized, or that I bawled at the end of Marley and Me) would have probably been much better on me mentally than keeping everything inside. Because the cyborg that I had basically become essentially made it much easier for people to write me off as someone you don't necessarily care to get to know and, thus, resulted in all the shit I was trying to avoid by being closed off to begin with.
So it's been a vicious cycle. I'd always wanted a lot of friends, but I had feared negative reactions and losing them, so I stayed reserved. Because I never really opened up to people and often killed conversations by not adding much to them, I never made too many friends.
So my goal and passion now is to change that; to be open, expressive, and conversational. And so far it has been met with an amazing success. Because another thing I realized is that all the things that I'm afraid to open up to people about are things that people open up to me and to others about all the time. Friends, family, co-workers...a handful of each have pointed out to me that I am different in a very positive way. I've subsequently noticed my relationships with them have become much deeper and more meaningful. It's an amazing feeling to actually open up. I feel more alive. I feel like a new person.
Also, I feel like more of an adult.
I'd been on my way to realizing and piecing together a lot of these things within the past year or so, but the past two months have been like that montage scene in Finding Nemo where Dorie suddenly remembers everything about her and...the dad fish's journey and, consequently, the name and address of the guy who took Nemo (P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney). Similarly, it suddenly became clear why I don't have too many close friends, why it takes so long to get to know me, why my relationships fail, and what's been missing in my life. My best and most used conversation tactic from before was basically to find humor in things. A very immature tactic, even in high school. Humor was a trait I picked up quickly in life, one of the few things I had a decent amount of confidence in, so my end of a conversation was often chalked full of humorous observations, sometimes rude ones, if I was talking to someone I was less comfortable opening up to (that or it had a lot of "yeah" "I agree" type of stuff). I was basically Masuka from Dexter. That sort of immaturity became what people expected of me and in turn became my personality to a degree. I hated it that way. I was a high school kid stuck in a college/young professional's body. There was one episode of Dexter that particularly hit home for me where Masuka got a lot of shit for his off key ways and it really upset him. He decided to completely change how he interacted with everyone. How he felt was exactly how I had felt many times before, except that I think they portrayed his changes negatively and there hasn't been anything negative that has come out of what I've been able to accomplish. By being more open, it cleared my old, immature ways up right quick. Whereas I used to get the vibe that people associated me with off key humor and...I guess always being in agreement, now...well I'm not sure what I'm associated with, but it certainly isn't that.
The past two months have been perhaps the biggest roller coaster ride of my life. I finally have a grasp on what I've been missing in my life and I'm finally....happy and feel like a new person.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Srsly
I'm afraid sometimes people take me too seriously. Today for example, in the improv class I'm taking, we always have a "word of the day" that basically sums up the day's lesson. I suggested that today's word should be "dildos". It was met with a resounding "no....". But the way my fellow classmates reacted to "dildos" didn't seem like they thought I was joking, which is concerning. Today's lessons were to learn how to mirror the actions of others and build up scenes. Did they really think that I felt the best way to summarize these in one word would be with "dildos"? It doesn't even make sense! Female masturbation utensils have nothing in common with those or any improvisation fundamentals. Yet I'm pretty sure my classmates think that I think they do...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Fast Food
I have to admit I really like fast food. Most of it is pretty delicious, even though it's unhealthy. I think fast food restaurants are starting to get carried away with how unhealthy the food they serve is. Like the baconator? Why?! I bet it's all a conspiracy set up by Wilford Brimley. Think about it, the only thing that man's got going for him anymore are his diabetes commercials that air during every commercial break of the Price is Right. If that goes under, then what's Wilford got left? Not his movie career. A fat diabetic cowboy just isn't believable in any western movies. "There's a new sheriff in town and he's no one to mess with...unless you take his insulin away. Then he'll probably just pass out and die." It'd be like a five minute movie. He'd be completely out of work. He's probably the one whose going to Wendy's and hawking things like the Baconator. If people become less obese and less prone to acquiring diabetes, then what would Wilford do? Prostitution? Maybe, but I doubt it. That's also not a good occupation for diabetics.
And if Wilford is the one who's behind such greasy claptraps like the Baconator, I wonder what other ideas he had. Perhaps like "the Fryburger. Three hamburger patties topped a quarter pound of extra greasy Wendy's fries." Or maybe "the donutator. Two greasy burger patties between a bun composed of extra glazed Krispy Kreme Donuts." Perhaps he tried to reach out to Wendy's chief demographic of the later evening with the "Stonerburger. Three burger patties in a bun composed of the things you wrap eggrolls in topped with ketchup, mustard, maple syrup, Cheatos, Spaghettios, and sprinkles."
Most of the time when I go to fast food restaurants I try to skip the french fries in favor of a side salad. I rarely feel happy about eating fries. I usually feel like they're not going to come back out with a vengeance later. Why are those always served as a side anyway?! Fast food joints could probably lose some of the flack they get by offering something healthier as the standard side. Like mashed potatoes or something. Nobody doesn't like mashed potatoes. They're delish. I feel like they'd be less expensive too. There's two steps to making them. 1) Find potato. 2) Mash it. And they don't follow up with a heart attack later.
And if Wilford is the one who's behind such greasy claptraps like the Baconator, I wonder what other ideas he had. Perhaps like "the Fryburger. Three hamburger patties topped a quarter pound of extra greasy Wendy's fries." Or maybe "the donutator. Two greasy burger patties between a bun composed of extra glazed Krispy Kreme Donuts." Perhaps he tried to reach out to Wendy's chief demographic of the later evening with the "Stonerburger. Three burger patties in a bun composed of the things you wrap eggrolls in topped with ketchup, mustard, maple syrup, Cheatos, Spaghettios, and sprinkles."
Most of the time when I go to fast food restaurants I try to skip the french fries in favor of a side salad. I rarely feel happy about eating fries. I usually feel like they're not going to come back out with a vengeance later. Why are those always served as a side anyway?! Fast food joints could probably lose some of the flack they get by offering something healthier as the standard side. Like mashed potatoes or something. Nobody doesn't like mashed potatoes. They're delish. I feel like they'd be less expensive too. There's two steps to making them. 1) Find potato. 2) Mash it. And they don't follow up with a heart attack later.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Online Dating
This is how I know I'm old. I've come to a point where I decided to try online dating. I didn't want to. I've always thought of dating sites as places for people who've given up; people who have no one and don't go anywhere where they could meet someone. Then I realized I'm one of those people. I don't go anywhere where attractive single ladies hang out...at least not where it's appropriate to hit on them. Like, I go to Target a lot and see girls there, but I have no idea what I'd say to them. "Hey, I see you're buying a pair of shoes.... um...." I could go do my job hunting at the library of a local college, but even if I can strike up a conversation with someone and it goes well, inevitably the conversation would turn towards what I'm doing there and I haven't yet figured out a way to eloquently say "I'm prowling for chicks at your school."
So I signed up for an online dating site. It looked promising. On the sign-up screen they show pictures of pretty people in love. But what they don't tell you about it being promising is that it isn't. Don't get me wrong, I've met some really cool people but they all seem to either live far away or we're just at different stages in our lives. The vast majority of girls who can be found on dating sites are complete idiots. Idiots of all different types.
For example, I received a message yesterday from a girl who we'll call "Michelle". Michelle is 26 and lives somewhere in South Dakota. Her profession is "office". Under the field that asks if she has children, she put "yes". Under the field that asks if she wants children, she put "prefer not to say". Her picture, while severely blurry, depicts that she likes drugs a lot..and make-up. Her description of herself is two sentences, one of which states that she doesn't know what to write about herself; of all things to be stumped on writing a description of. Her message to me was "your hot!!!!!:)" and so despite the obvious compatibility, I promptly didn't respond.
Many girls seem to have trouble understanding what decent guys would want in them. Several girls I've found have had profiles that basically say this: "Hi, I'm a very independent, career-minded girl. If you would describe yourself as a clingy guy and need to be with me everyday, save us both the trouble and don't bother." Either that's a very clever way of stating that you're selfish yet horny without openly stating "I'm a naughty business woman" or what you're really looking for in a companion is basically that it be a cat...maybe a socially inept dog. Other profiles have very vague yet specific requirements for their desired mate like "a trustworthy, family oriented guy who is hard working, attractive, a good communicator, and values relationships with family and friends." These are fair requests, but unless my intuition about girls is off, basically what she's really asking for is someone who will be her servant, who she can nag at, who will follow her around like a lost puppy, who will like her friends and family more than his own, and who really isn't a guy at all but a blood related sister. I've even come across girls who are solely looking for friendships and most of them already have boyfriends. Really? You think you're going to find a guy who joined a dating site for some new feminine friends? I don't even....
Some girls have issues with uninviting headlines. Many have underlying meanings. For example: "I'm tired of the games and the lies!" = I fall for jerks and hold a grudge against several that I'll most likely take out on you. "Can you keep up with me?!" = I'm a slutty alcoholic. "Looking for a sexy guy" = I'm shallow and unspecific. "Where's my redneck Romeo?!" = I have poor taste in music and am a redneck myself. Others are just not well thought out: "Trying something new" - because the rest of us have been on here for years... "Looking for a good hearted, honest man" - Fair enough, but I'm not sure anyone out there is looking for the opposite of that or even a variation of that. I've yet to find "I'm looking for an evil liar".
Other thoughts:
So I signed up for an online dating site. It looked promising. On the sign-up screen they show pictures of pretty people in love. But what they don't tell you about it being promising is that it isn't. Don't get me wrong, I've met some really cool people but they all seem to either live far away or we're just at different stages in our lives. The vast majority of girls who can be found on dating sites are complete idiots. Idiots of all different types.
For example, I received a message yesterday from a girl who we'll call "Michelle". Michelle is 26 and lives somewhere in South Dakota. Her profession is "office". Under the field that asks if she has children, she put "yes". Under the field that asks if she wants children, she put "prefer not to say". Her picture, while severely blurry, depicts that she likes drugs a lot..and make-up. Her description of herself is two sentences, one of which states that she doesn't know what to write about herself; of all things to be stumped on writing a description of. Her message to me was "your hot!!!!!:)" and so despite the obvious compatibility, I promptly didn't respond.
Many girls seem to have trouble understanding what decent guys would want in them. Several girls I've found have had profiles that basically say this: "Hi, I'm a very independent, career-minded girl. If you would describe yourself as a clingy guy and need to be with me everyday, save us both the trouble and don't bother." Either that's a very clever way of stating that you're selfish yet horny without openly stating "I'm a naughty business woman" or what you're really looking for in a companion is basically that it be a cat...maybe a socially inept dog. Other profiles have very vague yet specific requirements for their desired mate like "a trustworthy, family oriented guy who is hard working, attractive, a good communicator, and values relationships with family and friends." These are fair requests, but unless my intuition about girls is off, basically what she's really asking for is someone who will be her servant, who she can nag at, who will follow her around like a lost puppy, who will like her friends and family more than his own, and who really isn't a guy at all but a blood related sister. I've even come across girls who are solely looking for friendships and most of them already have boyfriends. Really? You think you're going to find a guy who joined a dating site for some new feminine friends? I don't even....
Some girls have issues with uninviting headlines. Many have underlying meanings. For example: "I'm tired of the games and the lies!" = I fall for jerks and hold a grudge against several that I'll most likely take out on you. "Can you keep up with me?!" = I'm a slutty alcoholic. "Looking for a sexy guy" = I'm shallow and unspecific. "Where's my redneck Romeo?!" = I have poor taste in music and am a redneck myself. Others are just not well thought out: "Trying something new" - because the rest of us have been on here for years... "Looking for a good hearted, honest man" - Fair enough, but I'm not sure anyone out there is looking for the opposite of that or even a variation of that. I've yet to find "I'm looking for an evil liar".
Other thoughts:
· Five head-shot photos, self-taken from a camera phone with an angry look on your face and no difference among them besides a minutely different angle, are not a good marketing strategy. Don't you have friends who have taken photos of you? Other emotions besides anger? Legs? Friendless, invariably angry girls who seem to find notable differences in things in which there are none are unbecoming.
· Pictures with friends are rarely a good idea because A) how am supposed to figure out which one you are and B) if I can figure it out, it's strikingly common that among your group of friends you're the one who Michael Bluth would most likely ask "...her?" about.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Fate or Shitty Coincidences
I said in the last entry that I wasn't going to do many reflective entries but...meh....
Unemployment Opportunities
So I am now officially unemployed. I knew I was getting laid off for about a month now and the day finally came. I had no idea when it was supposed to come though and when it did it was pretty much an ambush. It was about 11:00 AM and my boss came in and basically said 'oh hai, itz official, we haz no money, sorry, GTFO'. I've been trying to hide it from most people because its very embarrassing, but now that its official, its become harder to hide. This is thanks to Iowa's fantastic new governor whose first task in office is to cut the funding to many programs, including my own, in order to lower taxes despite the fact that the state budget is $300,000,000 in the hole. It all makes a lot of sense. While being without a job does really suck, there are both pros and cons.
Pros:
Unemployment Opportunities
So I am now officially unemployed. I knew I was getting laid off for about a month now and the day finally came. I had no idea when it was supposed to come though and when it did it was pretty much an ambush. It was about 11:00 AM and my boss came in and basically said 'oh hai, itz official, we haz no money, sorry, GTFO'. I've been trying to hide it from most people because its very embarrassing, but now that its official, its become harder to hide. This is thanks to Iowa's fantastic new governor whose first task in office is to cut the funding to many programs, including my own, in order to lower taxes despite the fact that the state budget is $300,000,000 in the hole. It all makes a lot of sense. While being without a job does really suck, there are both pros and cons.
Pros:
- No more SWIPCO. Writing hazard mitigation plans for southwest Iowa isn't exactly what I got into planning for. I mean they weren't the worst thing in the world, but I would have preferred at least being able to collaborate with other SWIPCO employees on them. On many occasions I've felt awkward in my own body going to council meetings in cities mostly run by old farmers. It's rare that they don't have a look of "who the fuck is this 16 year old and what is 'hazardous migration planning'" on their faces. Doing it for communities who gave a damn might have made it more worthwhile.
- I wanted to get a new job and being laid off was the kick I needed to get started
- No more addiction to fast food
- I can go to bed and wake up whenever I want every day.
- Unemployment insurance covers all the expenses I'll have for the time being
- No more extreme commuting
Cons:
- Hard to pick up chicks
- Extreme cases of cabin fever
- Job applications are not very fun to fill out
- Very little money in it
I was kind of stretching it on the last few pros. However, and as I kind of alluded to above, losing this job has come at the same as several other events...
Fatal Attraction
They say everything happens for a reason. What's if that reason is controlled by fate, or some divine power? Several months before losing this job, I also lost a girlfriend. She didn't die, as the title of this section might imply, but she did break up with me. Woe is me and all that, but from it came a lot of soul-searching; a lot of time thinking about who am I, what do I want to be, and how do I get there. I also reflected on other things in life like missed opportunities and people I had been an asshole too. Apparently a broken heart leads to enlarged balls, because with that thinking, I've started doing things I never would have done before. I rekindled many broken friendships, successfully (and unsuccessfully) asked out a handful of girls I would never have asked out unless the planets aligned, and became more outgoing.
Several months later I lose my job....aaat the same time that many awesome job opportunities to progress my career become available. It's ridiculous. Omaha, Chicago, Beverly Hills, a suburb of Salt Lake City, a city near Tyler in Minnesota, the State of Iowa, among others. Plus they let me go the month that my apartment lease expires. Granted I have to move back in with mom and dad, but its free room and board, man; that instead of a costly apartment and living off microwavable burritos, fast food, and Hy-Vee Chinese.
Final Countdown
So in summation, I've been let go from being tied down to anyone or any job, no financial constraints.....I'm free. Is it by fate or pure coincidence? Is there some crazy immortal power thinking "this kid's not happy. I'm going to get rid of that girl, that job, and couple personality traits for him, but leave him with money and some career opportunities to make something better of himself"? I'm really hoping. If not I'm totally fucked...
Next entry will be more amusing than sappy-ish-ly self-reflective. I promise.
Final Countdown
So in summation, I've been let go from being tied down to anyone or any job, no financial constraints.....I'm free. Is it by fate or pure coincidence? Is there some crazy immortal power thinking "this kid's not happy. I'm going to get rid of that girl, that job, and couple personality traits for him, but leave him with money and some career opportunities to make something better of himself"? I'm really hoping. If not I'm totally fucked...
Next entry will be more amusing than sappy-ish-ly self-reflective. I promise.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Xanga 2.0
April 6, 2006. That was the last time I wrote in my Xanga. Since then I had thought about bringing it back to life several times, but never acted on it. Today I'm acting on it, with Blogger, because I think there are only like 17 people actually left on Xanga and they're all in high school....much like myspace where there are only 15 members left, all 45 year old single men posing as 15 year old girls each thinking the other 14 members actually are 15 year old girls.
Not too long ago I decided to Google search my old Xanga and read some of the old entries. Yikes. A little embarrassing to read over now. And no, I'm not going to give you the URL. I've changed a lot since then in a variety of ways. For this first entry I want to touch on several of the bigger things that have changed about me since then:
Embracing Iowa State
The first couple years in college, I didn't really embrace Iowa State very much. Nebraskans and Iowans both seem to reserve a certain level of disdain for each other...Iowans for Nebraskans because they are cocky and obsessed with their football team and Nebraskans for Iowans because they can't drive. So my first couple years of college I had trouble bringing myself to become an Iowa Stater. It wasn't until junior year that I really started embracing my Iowa State-ness; that I really started become proud of going there. And I am proud of it now. I can't think of having it any other way. All the friends I've made, experiences I've had, I wouldn't trade them for anything now.
But there are really two reasons for not being able to embrace Iowa State...
Extroversion
Up front, I have a mild case of social anxiety. Throughout my life it has made me significantly self-conscious and generally a quiet person. I didn't really think much of it though until after those first couple of years at Iowa State. Reason number two for not embracing Iowa State was that I was taken away from my comfort zone, my circle of friends from high school, and put into an atmosphere where I knew virtually no one and had to start again from square one. With social anxiety, it was difficult to keep a conversation going long enough to build a friendship and I almost never initiated anything with anyone. Luckily sophomore year, I feel like I "won" the roommate assignment lottery and was paired with someone who I really clicked with right away, my buddy Tyler. That's when I feel like college really started for me. We share a lot of personality traits, but he is way more extroverted. We started going to parties together, hosting parties together, and eventually built our own little social group. We lived together all three remaining years of college. To sound cheesy, he brought me out of my shell. I was a different person. I became more self-confident, more extroverted.
But it wasn't that quick of a fix for extroversion. There were still some things that weren't so extroverted about me. For example I hated talking on the phone and relied on my sense of humor too much in conversations. The former of those has been generally cured after getting a real job. Calling people on the phone to arrange meetings or discuss planning business has been a nearly daily occurrence. Kind of like finally dunking your whole body into the swimming pool after wading around in an awkward pose for a while, I got used to talking to people on the phone and don't have many reservations about it anymore. The latter of those needs to be discussed under its own sub-heading...
Less Reliant on Sense of Humor
This may be the biggest difference between 2011 me and 2006 me and its something I never thought I'd actually try to change about myself.
My lack of extroversion was most apparent in my K-12 days....whatever you call them. Growing up I always liked attention, but was too socially anxious. I didn't believe anything I was able to talk about would be anything but boring to most people. It seemed like the kids who got the most attention from the other students were the ones who could make people laugh. So ever since like second grade, I tried to become one of the funny ones. It was hit and miss, but more so than not seemed to work. The problem was, I relied too much on humor. Even up into late 2010, I realized, a lot conversations I had with people lacked a whole lot of substance. To me, everything had a punch line in it somewhere and it was always my goal to try and find it. Not a good idea. You can make friends with humor, but you can only keep them if you have other things of substance to say, despite how boring you assume they will find it.
Another thing that ties into this is vulgarity. In trying to be that funny person, I found that I was pretty good with vulgar jokes. So whenever one popped into my head, I generally said it. There were two problems with this. Number one is, the older you get, the less accepted they tend to be. While in high school it was mostly fine. Once I hit college, they were largely viewed as immature by most people and so too much vulgarity cost me some points here and there.
Number two, and one of the cons of trying to be humorous in general, is that people tended to believe what I said. Despite an abundance of sex jokes, I am, in real life, not very promiscuous at all. No one night stands, no dating people for ulterior motives, no porn on my computer, haven't slept with more people than you can count on one hand. No, in real life I'm really a hopeless romantic. But hopeless romantics aren't interesting and vulgar jokes are funny with the right audience. So, right audience or not, I told them and found that some people took them to be a reflection of me personally and not a reflection of my sense of humor, which, as is true for many comedians, is separate. The following are two quotes from Will Farrell that I think validate this point:
" I'm not sure I'm a good enough actor to play real tragedy, so I bring a comic element to most things as my answer to the world's problems. I'm not a clown, though. I love goofing around, but I don't feel the need to act the clown in private - I do it at work, that's where I exorcise my demons."
and
"I often don't think a lot about the ramifications of anything I do"
In my case, I didn't think I was exciting enough to hold conversations with things I'm actually interested in. So I brought comedy into my life as my contribution to society. I love making people laugh, but in private I like to read car magazines, read blogs about city planning issues, and go golfing, among other things. And when I tell vulgar jokes I don't think that people are going to look at them as a reflection of who I actually am, but as a joke posed to make them laugh.
So I stopped.
It wasn't until the end of October that I realized how detrimental vulgar jokes have actually been. I had been trying to cut back on vulgarity well before that but still let some out depending on the person. But something that happened at the end of October was a big eye opener into how these jokes are not taken as lightly as I'd hoped. Since then, two and a half months, I've cut 99% of it out of anything I say. I won't touch on it unless its absolutely appropriate.
Instead I've been focusing on non-vulgar humor and maintaining conversations of substance. And I feel like its has been successful for the most part. I wouldn't ever try to abandon humor altogether, but funny, non-vulgar humor in moderation paired with intelligent conversation is my focus.
Final Countdown
Of course there are other things that have changed about me as well, but I think those are the biggest and it is time to wrap this thing up. I don't anticipate on all entries being this self-reflective, mostly just this one. I plan on this being more a place for writing amusing editorials. Hence the name and microphone as a background....though of course with substance and little vulgar.
Not too long ago I decided to Google search my old Xanga and read some of the old entries. Yikes. A little embarrassing to read over now. And no, I'm not going to give you the URL. I've changed a lot since then in a variety of ways. For this first entry I want to touch on several of the bigger things that have changed about me since then:
Embracing Iowa State
The first couple years in college, I didn't really embrace Iowa State very much. Nebraskans and Iowans both seem to reserve a certain level of disdain for each other...Iowans for Nebraskans because they are cocky and obsessed with their football team and Nebraskans for Iowans because they can't drive. So my first couple years of college I had trouble bringing myself to become an Iowa Stater. It wasn't until junior year that I really started embracing my Iowa State-ness; that I really started become proud of going there. And I am proud of it now. I can't think of having it any other way. All the friends I've made, experiences I've had, I wouldn't trade them for anything now.
But there are really two reasons for not being able to embrace Iowa State...
Extroversion
Up front, I have a mild case of social anxiety. Throughout my life it has made me significantly self-conscious and generally a quiet person. I didn't really think much of it though until after those first couple of years at Iowa State. Reason number two for not embracing Iowa State was that I was taken away from my comfort zone, my circle of friends from high school, and put into an atmosphere where I knew virtually no one and had to start again from square one. With social anxiety, it was difficult to keep a conversation going long enough to build a friendship and I almost never initiated anything with anyone. Luckily sophomore year, I feel like I "won" the roommate assignment lottery and was paired with someone who I really clicked with right away, my buddy Tyler. That's when I feel like college really started for me. We share a lot of personality traits, but he is way more extroverted. We started going to parties together, hosting parties together, and eventually built our own little social group. We lived together all three remaining years of college. To sound cheesy, he brought me out of my shell. I was a different person. I became more self-confident, more extroverted.
But it wasn't that quick of a fix for extroversion. There were still some things that weren't so extroverted about me. For example I hated talking on the phone and relied on my sense of humor too much in conversations. The former of those has been generally cured after getting a real job. Calling people on the phone to arrange meetings or discuss planning business has been a nearly daily occurrence. Kind of like finally dunking your whole body into the swimming pool after wading around in an awkward pose for a while, I got used to talking to people on the phone and don't have many reservations about it anymore. The latter of those needs to be discussed under its own sub-heading...
Less Reliant on Sense of Humor
This may be the biggest difference between 2011 me and 2006 me and its something I never thought I'd actually try to change about myself.
My lack of extroversion was most apparent in my K-12 days....whatever you call them. Growing up I always liked attention, but was too socially anxious. I didn't believe anything I was able to talk about would be anything but boring to most people. It seemed like the kids who got the most attention from the other students were the ones who could make people laugh. So ever since like second grade, I tried to become one of the funny ones. It was hit and miss, but more so than not seemed to work. The problem was, I relied too much on humor. Even up into late 2010, I realized, a lot conversations I had with people lacked a whole lot of substance. To me, everything had a punch line in it somewhere and it was always my goal to try and find it. Not a good idea. You can make friends with humor, but you can only keep them if you have other things of substance to say, despite how boring you assume they will find it.
Another thing that ties into this is vulgarity. In trying to be that funny person, I found that I was pretty good with vulgar jokes. So whenever one popped into my head, I generally said it. There were two problems with this. Number one is, the older you get, the less accepted they tend to be. While in high school it was mostly fine. Once I hit college, they were largely viewed as immature by most people and so too much vulgarity cost me some points here and there.
Number two, and one of the cons of trying to be humorous in general, is that people tended to believe what I said. Despite an abundance of sex jokes, I am, in real life, not very promiscuous at all. No one night stands, no dating people for ulterior motives, no porn on my computer, haven't slept with more people than you can count on one hand. No, in real life I'm really a hopeless romantic. But hopeless romantics aren't interesting and vulgar jokes are funny with the right audience. So, right audience or not, I told them and found that some people took them to be a reflection of me personally and not a reflection of my sense of humor, which, as is true for many comedians, is separate. The following are two quotes from Will Farrell that I think validate this point:
" I'm not sure I'm a good enough actor to play real tragedy, so I bring a comic element to most things as my answer to the world's problems. I'm not a clown, though. I love goofing around, but I don't feel the need to act the clown in private - I do it at work, that's where I exorcise my demons."
and
"I often don't think a lot about the ramifications of anything I do"
In my case, I didn't think I was exciting enough to hold conversations with things I'm actually interested in. So I brought comedy into my life as my contribution to society. I love making people laugh, but in private I like to read car magazines, read blogs about city planning issues, and go golfing, among other things. And when I tell vulgar jokes I don't think that people are going to look at them as a reflection of who I actually am, but as a joke posed to make them laugh.
So I stopped.
It wasn't until the end of October that I realized how detrimental vulgar jokes have actually been. I had been trying to cut back on vulgarity well before that but still let some out depending on the person. But something that happened at the end of October was a big eye opener into how these jokes are not taken as lightly as I'd hoped. Since then, two and a half months, I've cut 99% of it out of anything I say. I won't touch on it unless its absolutely appropriate.
Instead I've been focusing on non-vulgar humor and maintaining conversations of substance. And I feel like its has been successful for the most part. I wouldn't ever try to abandon humor altogether, but funny, non-vulgar humor in moderation paired with intelligent conversation is my focus.
Final Countdown
Of course there are other things that have changed about me as well, but I think those are the biggest and it is time to wrap this thing up. I don't anticipate on all entries being this self-reflective, mostly just this one. I plan on this being more a place for writing amusing editorials. Hence the name and microphone as a background....though of course with substance and little vulgar.
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